When The Fun Stops, Stop
What The Wheel Of Consent can teach us about giving and receiving
Giving makes us feel good. Social implications aside, research has shown that giving releases neurochemicals or ‘happy hormones’ like oxytocin and endorphins, causing the brain’s pleasure centres to light up. Yet time and again in the therapy room and in my own relationships, I have encountered iterations of the same problem: “I keep on giving and it’s making me miserable”.
So what gives? Surely more giving = more of those sweet endorphins? Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. According to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, there is a distinction between ‘beneficial giving and destructive giving’. It seems we are so busy focusing on the act of giving, that we neglect to pay attention to the art of giving.
A tool that I have found particularly helpful in deciphering the complex dynamics of giving and receiving is The Wheel Of Consent by Dr. Betty Martin, a pioneering consent educator, intimacy consultant and sexologist. In this revolutionary framework, Dr. Martin breaks down an action into four quadrants: Serve, Take, Allow and Accept. For now, let’s use physical touch as the example action, which is the original and most common context in which The Wheel is used.
One axis outlines who is doing the action (for example stroking), and the other specifies who is giving/receiving it. Typically we assume that the person who is doing the stroking is on the giving end of the axis, while the person who is being stroked is on the receiving end. This is because we have a tendency to conflate the words ‘receiving’ with being done to, and ‘giving’ with doing.
The Serve quadrant follows that logic: you are doing (stroking) in order to give (the gift of pleasure) to the other. But you could also be in the Take quadrant, which means you are doing (stroking them) in order to receive (pleasure from the action). In the Allow quadrant, you are having (someone’s strokes) done to you in order to give (them the pleasure). If this sounds confusing on paper, then it is no wonder that when these dynamics play out in our relationships they can prove challenging to navigate.
For codependents, it can often feel like ‘Serve’ is a life sentence in which we are destined to live out our days ‘doing’ in order to ‘give’ to another. While there will undoubtedly be many occasions when we are serving in its purest form, a common pitfall in codependency is unwittingly ‘doing’ in order to ‘receive’. When we are in this place, we are in fact in ‘Take’ mode.
We get trapped in a boomerang effect where we depend on the other to receive our actions in a way that we like in order to give ourselves something - a temporary hit of self-worth, a warm feeling, a sense of power, control or importance or all of the above. This is a problem, because now we are not really giving to the other; we are in fact using them to get the response that we want, so that we can feel a certain way about ourselves. Caught in this grey zone, we find ourselves neither truly giving nor receiving.
Consider the last time you noticed an uncomfortable feeling as a result of giving someone something. Perhaps it was your advice, your help on a project, an item of clothing on loan. Was it solicited? What need of theirs were you trying to meet? What was the feeling you were hoping to get? Was it different to the feeling you came away with?
The good news is that it is possible to get out of the murky waters and establish healthy boundaries around giving and receiving. The first step is to take the wheel apart and experience each quadrant one by one, allowing ourselves to give and receive completely. Once we can understand the nuances between them, we can bring awareness to where in The Wheel we are operating from, and whether we really want to be there.
Until next time,
Kitty
Bookmarks
What I’m reading, watching, listening to right now
The 3-Minute Game. If you have enjoyed reading about The Wheel Of Consent and are keen to learn more, I highly recommend checking out Dr. Betty Martin’s series of YouTube videos. The 3-minute game forms the foundation for her work on consent and is a great way of exploring some of the themes described above in practice.
The Artist’s Way. Julia Cameron’s cult text on unlocking creativity. A 12-week manual designed to help with artistic recovery.
Relationship Struggles. A “trauma sensitive relationship diversity affirmative zine” by the ever-excellent Meg-John Barker.
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Never considered the actual intentions of my own giving like this. Thanks this is so helpful ❤️