Escaping The Drama Triangle
How to stop playing games
In The Bridge, a book about grief, healing and wholehearted living, the author Donna Lancaster writes:
My parents were both addicts. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was addicted to him and his drama.
Though the dynamics of codependency have existed for as long as people have related to one another, the etymology of the term can be traced back to addiction culture in the 1970s, when professionals began to notice that the families of chemically dependent people were developing strategies of coping with life which resembled the behavioural patterns of the addicted parties themselves.
Codependency is a form of addiction. Like substance abuse, it alters our emotions, cognition and perception. It involves a preoccupation with a subject and repeated use or engagement with it despite adverse circumstances. But whereas with substance abuse the lines between using and abstinence are clearly defined, when our drug of choice is a relationship, or indeed a pattern of relating that we may not even be conscious of, it can be difficult to realise we are trapped in an addictive cycle.
One such pattern that is a hallmark of codependency is The Drama Triangle. Developed by Stephen Karpman, the theory goes that in conflict we assume three archetypal roles: Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim. The Persecutor, as the name suggests, plays a critical, self-righteous and authoritarian role, attacking, blaming and controlling other people, and exercising their superiority to avoid facing up to their own shortcomings.
Meanwhile the Rescuer (or Enabler, in addiction jargon) seeks validation by solving others’ problems, taking care of them even though they may not have been asked. The Rescuer believes ‘I must help this person as they’re not capable themselves’. They work hard to help others, often neglecting their own needs in the process. Their rescues may come from the best of intentions, but the reality is they deny others the opportunity to help themselves.
The Victim, conversely, discounts their own ability to help themselves and denies responsibility for their negative circumstances. They often feel trapped, hopeless, helpless and powerless even when they are not. They typically struggle making decisions and believe the cause of a situation is an external factor and out of their control.
While codependents may identify most with the Rescuer role, it is not uncommon for us to habitually cycle through all three roles in relationships. Sometimes it can take years to complete the triangle. Other times we may flit through it multiple times in a matter of minutes, all within the same conversation.
Let’s take an example scenario. You’re working on an important client presentation with a colleague. As the deadline draws near, you see that their designated sections remain largely untouched. Without prompt you spend your evening coming up with more ideas, writing and designing their slides. You may rationalise the rescue. Perhaps your colleague is just busier than you right now. Or maybe they’re just not that good at writing presentations. After the rescue comes the persecution. Anger that sacrifices have been made and efforts have gone unacknowledged. Finding fault in their sub-par presentation skills. Then it’s time for the final move into victim. This is the inevitable checkmate of a rescue. A sense of ‘why does this always happen to me?’ and a feeling of being undervalued and taken advantage of.
So how do we find ourselves on The Drama Triangle, and more importantly what can we do to get off it? To engage with the triangle is to enter into a game in which each ‘player’ is attempting to get their unconscious needs met. In Transactional Analysis terms, psychological games are ‘a series of transactions which lead to a switch and a well-defined, predictable payoff which justifies a not-OK, or discounted, position.’ The reality is that there are no winners in this game. The only way to win is to stop playing.
How to escape The Drama Triangle
Recognise the three roles and when you play them.
Acknowledge the feelings of discomfort that arise when you are on the triangle.
Take a time out. This is a crucial step, as it allows our limbic system (the part of the brain that deals with intense primitive emotions such as fear and anger) to regulate i.e. don’t send that risky text, or if you’re in person ask for a few minutes of space.
Ask yourself what you need in this moment. Look beyond the practicalities of the situation and ask yourself what is it you are really seeking - affection, respect, control, validation, appreciation, security etc.
Change the narrative. We are meaning-making creatures. We make sense of ourselves and relationships through the narratives we create. These may be deeply engrained, but they are not immutable. Recognise when your narrative may no longer be serving you. Are you a perennial Rescuer? Or do you in fact have the qualities of a Coach, supporting and facilitating change through empowerment?
Be patient. Often our patterns of relating have been established early in life and reinforced for years throughout our lives. Remember that this is a process. Incremental change leads to transformational transformational change.
The Drama Triangle only works when each player acts their part. It is only when we start bringing awareness to the roles that we play, that we can start to consciously withdraw from them.
Until next time,
Kitty
Bookmarks
What I’m reading, watching, listening to right now
Let Us Make Sanctuary. An excellent podcast with renegade academic Bayo Akomolafe on the function of slowing down in urgent times; how it’s less about reducing speed and more about engaging in deep inquiry with where we are heading.
Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection. I have recently become obsessed with my Sensate which is a wearable that massages your vague nerve (the central nerve which controls your body’s nervous system) through infrasonic vibrations. This book by Deb Dana explains the importance of the vagus nerve and how Polyvagal Theory can resolve the impact of trauma.
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