Embracing Off-The-Escalator Thinking
Unlearning the 'relational dowry'
Last week I turned 35. I have never been one for visualising, so I was thankfully spared the somewhat unfortunate ‘expectation vs reality’ moment that often accompanies milestones. Nonetheless, the occasion got me reflecting on wider societal expectations in general.
In life we are all in receipt of what Esther Perel coins ‘the relational dowry’: social scripts that are writ large and passed down through generations, cultures and communities. As a cis, white-passing, heteronormative-passing woman in her mid-thirties living in a Western culture, the prevalent social script I’m faced with currently is The Relationship Escalator - a codified set of expectations for intimate relationships.
The aim of the game is to ride the escalator all the way to the top. The steps may vary slightly dependent on factors such as cultural tropes, but they largely follow the same hierarchical order:
First contact - this is your meet cute. Make it count!
Date - courtship, new rituals, sex, infatuation, ‘limerence’. This is the point at which codependency typically sets in.
Become monogamous - the relationship is defined and exclusivity is typically determined.
Move in together - merge homes, resources, finances. Start identifying as a collectivist entity.
Commit - marriage (ideally legally sanctioned).
Buy a house - consolidate cohabiting through a joint housing venture.
Have children - couples may exit on Step 6 or continue on to the final family stage.
The Escalator moves in a singular direction. It is widely considered taboo to take a step backwards on The Escalator. Partners are expected to remain together at the top of The Escalator until death.
To clarify, this is in no way a take-down of The Escalator. For many people it is a highly effective and rewarding model. Some of my best relationships have been escalator relationships. Certainly there is nothing harmful about the individual steps in and of themselves. But when The Escalator becomes the definitive yardstick by which we measure the success of all relationships - how ‘good’, ‘serious’ or ‘healthy’ they are - then it can pose a problem.
Stepping off The Relationship Escalator can seem like a radical act. (Disclaimer: I am currently writing this newsletter from a remote island off the coast Brazil. Somehow even solo travel feels subversive to me). Rewriting social scripts requires intentionality. Escalators are automatic (unconscious) after all. The first step is to remember that they are largely a matter of personal choice. Ask questions around how your script is operating in your life. Is it yours by choice or have you inherited it? Take apart the escalator steps and examine them individually. Identify the ones that don’t feel right to you. Consider what new steps would be better suited to your values, lifestyle or relationship if you are in one. Approach with a beginner’s mind. Find exemplars - people who have successfully integrated viable alternatives into their lives - and ask them how they make it work. Amy Gahran’s book dedicated entirely to this could be a useful starting point.
There is a world of eclecticism waiting for us out there. Let’s normalise Off-The-Escalator thinking, both in and outside of relationships.
Until next time,
Kitty
Bookmarks
What I’m reading, watching, listening to right now
Amateur: A Story About What Makes A Man. Thomas Page McBee is an American journalist who became the first transgender man to box at Madison Square Garden. This is his memoir in which he also explores gender stereotypes and male violence.
Se Tá Solteira - FBC, VHOOR, Mac Júlia. This charme track is blowing up in Brazil currently. Music really is the lifeblood that runs through the streets here.
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