A Stake In The Ground
Unblocking that which has been blocked
Hi friend,
It’s good to see you here again. It’s been a few months since I wrote my last newsletter, during which time my benign curiosity towards my inaction gradually morphed into daily self-flagellation, played out with Groundhog Day precision in my Morning Pages and in countless conversations with unsuspecting friends.
Focusing on a positive for a moment, I’m grateful that my months-long resistance towards writing led me deep down a rabbit hole of resources that provided a useful framework for both understanding and tackling my procrastination: notably, Johann Hari’s Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention, James Clear’s bestseller Atomic Habits and the excellent bookbear express, a Substack that ‘figures out how to navigate complex emotions’.
On my quest for answers, I came across this passage in a bookbear essay entitled ‘unblocking’:
“If you’re feeling blocked, I’d try to figure out whether you’re a) afraid of something either tangible or nebulous or b) feeling majorly misaligned with what you’re doing. Sometimes it’s a) and b) at the same time.”
Okay, so the fear part is fairly straightforward. There’s something inherently vulnerability inducing in spilling one’s thoughts onto a page and sending them out into the ether. That’s to say nothing of the Imposter Syndrome that imbues most of my creative projects, skewing all rational thought. But major misalignment? Reflecting on this, my initial intention for this newsletter had been to demystify and unpack codependency. But the more I had probed, the more the waters had become muddied, leading me further away from any sort of clarity - or indeed alignment - on the subject.
For me, the problem starts with a question of semantics. Even a cursory glance online will present a multiplicity of definitions: it’s an emotional condition, a theory, an addiction, a dynamic, a psychological disorder, a relationship style, a set of behaviours. When it comes to a working definition of what codependency is, there are seemingly as many interpretations as there are people who consider themselves to be codependent - the only discernible commonality being the unanimous agreement that there is no agreement.
Perhaps then, this is as good a place as any to put a stake in the ground. In clarifying my own definition, my aim is not to throw more fuel onto the fire, but to provide what will hopefully be a useful foundation for this newsletter moving forwards. So here goes…
Codependency is a construct that encompasses relational, cognitive and behavioural patterns that are characterised by a lack of boundaries, other-esteem, and a loss of intuition, connection and authenticity to oneself.
Let’s break that down. Codependency, like all concepts, is a construct - it is a framework to understand a phenomenon and explain what we observe. It’s relational in that it concerns the interrelatedness between two or more people. It is a set of thoughts and a belief system; a map of the world held in our minds (cognition), that manifests as actions (behaviour). These actions are wide-ranging and naturally differ from person to person so it would be impossible to compile an exhaustive list, but we can broadly group together their shared characteristics, the most prominent of which are maladaptive boundaries and other-esteem (the opposite of self-esteem, in which a person derives their sense of identity and worth from external forces such as their job title or partner).
A signature marker of codependency is disconnection from self. In the therapy room, it often presents as a client answering the simple of question of ‘how are you?’ by launching into a detailed account of what has been happening for their partner. This disconnectedness is described as ‘a traumatic tension’ by the venerable Gabor Maté in his latest book, ‘The Myth Of Normal’.
A recurring theme - maybe the core theme - in every talk or workshop I give is the inescapable tension, and for most of us an eventual clash, between two essential needs: attachment and authenticity. This clash is ground zero for the most widespread form of trauma in our society: namely, the “small-t” trauma expressed in a disconnection from the self even in the absence of abuse or overwhelming threat.
As mammals, we are biologically hard-wired towards attaching to other as a means of survival. Yet we are also driven by the need for authenticity. The word ‘authenticity’ has become so over-used by ad execs and Millennials trying to understand the Gen Z appeal of TikTok that it has lost virtually all meaning entirely, but in the context of existential drives, it means simply ‘knowing our gut feelings when they arise and honouring them’ (Gabor Maté). In an ideal world, our relationships allow us to hang out in the sweet spot of attachment and authenticity, but hey, this binary world is far from ideal, and more often than not, when people are faced with the choice of either/or, they go for attachment over authenticity. There is much more to be said on the Traumatic Tension so I will be revisiting in another newsletter anon.
I hope this stake in the ground has been a useful starting point. If it has resonated, do slide in to my DMs - I would love to hear what codependency means, feels like, looks like to you. This year, in addition to this newsletter, I will be launching an online platform and IRL group dedicated to exploring codependency together. More on that to come.
Until next time,
Kitty
Bookmarks
What I’m reading, watching, listening to right now
Rest is anything that connects your mind and body - This article by The Nap Ministry founder Tricia Hersey reframes rest as a political act. ‘Rest pushes back and disrupts a system that views human bodies as a tool for production and labor. It is a counter narrative. We know that we are not machines. We are divine.’
Don’t Hold My Head Down - Lucy-Anne Holmes. Amidst all the afore mentioned productivity/attention/procrastination literature of the past few months, I have found relief in this funny, honest and heart-warming sex memoir by author and activist Lucy-Anne Holmes.
Stephen Colbert: Grateful for Grief. U.S. comedian Stephen Colbert sits down with Anderson Cooper for his podcast ‘All There Is’ in this deeply moving, tender and raw conversation about death, heartbreak, and whether it’s possible to become grateful for grief.
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